Finding an effective visual deterrent.

Thanks for the advice, Jake- I think it's a great idea!! So I keep trying to find an effective visual deterrent, and all I can picture is myself, shoveling pepperoni pizza in my mouth. And let me tell you, the visual image is NOT attractive (although the imaginary pizza tastes AWESOME)!!! I think it may help me eat slower, and in turn stop eating sooner.

I guess another thing is I really need to stay "conscious" while I'm eating. I feel like I just black out in this hunger craze and just shovel and shovel, forgetting what's around me. Even worse- when I do find that I am fully aware, I'm telling myself to stop... that I'm full... that I don't need it. Then I keep going.

So here's hoping that I can successfully build awareness while I'm eating and keep in mind the fat girl chowing down on pepperoni pizza.....

Getting Back on Track. Again.

Overall, I have a lot to be proud of. After experiencing weight gain at record speed at the end of 2006, I finally was able to see some kind of improvement. Last spring, I lost 10 lbs, and this spring another 10-15lbs. But this summer came another lightning-speed weight gain of 10 lbs in the last 2 months. I cant help but feel disgusted with myself, shoveling more and more food into my mouth with no regard, feeling more and more full and sluggish, but not being able to stop.

I've had such great luck with different weight loss methods... anything from diet pills, to the more honest methods of weight watchers, calorie counting, vegetarian, raw diets, personal training, tae bo, you name it... I've done it. And if I stick to it, anything works. I guess the real problems lie in the fact that I can do a short-term program, but the long-term.... Well, that's more complicated.

I've never really been addicted to anything in my life.... cigarettes, alcohol, I could take 'em or leave 'em. Drugs? not a fan. But food, well.... can you consider that an addiction? Something that you need to live? I mean, I can't just NOT eat, or stay away from people who eat, or places that have food! But.... I have never acted with such disregard as when I'm shoveling pizza into my mouth. I have eaten so much to the point that my system is so polluted, I feel physically sick. I mean, wake up the next morning feeling drained and achy as if I have the flu.

So I'm back to calorie counting as of yesterday. It's keeping me in check (so far), and I have been feeling better. I know it will work if I stick to it, and those 10 lbs will come back off, maybe more. But how do I maintain it? How do I kick my addiction and tell myself that I don't NEED 3 slices of pizza? I don't NEED half a bag of potato chips to live....?

Training the Baby

So... I stopped time-out. But the water squirt doesn't work because... she knows she's doing something wrong. When I first spot her up on the counter, etc, she jumps down and runs. I am afraid that by the time I catch her and spray her with water, she wont relate the two. she already knows that as soon as I look at her, before I say anything or get up, she's running away!!

But she is so friggin cute.

Baby

Our new kitty, Baby, (we like to call her "my" cat because she follows me around) is so cute. and so out of control! she eats plants, jumps up on every counter, is a little piglet (but still a lil' skinny 7 or so lbs), growls at the other cats (provoked by one, unprovoked by the other), but is so loving and cute. I have been giving her time-outs whenever she does anything ridiculous. Everyone says I can't train a cat but... what's the harm in trying? her biggest offender is jumping up on the kitchen counter.

I fell asleep on the couch last night, and got a peek into what she really does at night... up on the counter. Up on the one a little higher. Up on top of the fridge!! THEN up on top of the kitchen cabinets! I guess the time-outs aren't working. Although when I shot her the mean look, she jumped right down...

She also likes to play with my hairties (no fetch though... maybe Daisy can teach her!), the palms I still have from Palm Sunday (she untied the figure 8 I made with them), straws, and she knocked over a container of treats so they would spill out on the floor. (They are now in a different location.) I guess nothing in the house can possibly be "Baby proof," so I guess the only decision is, do I continue with the time-outs or not?? hmmm....

Things getting better.... only to inevitably get worse?

I've been feeling better recently. I've been making a dent in a few plans that I've been trying to implement, moved my office and have more space, and started step one of getting the house ready for possibly moving. The problem is, things go well for a while, but I'm so damn unstable that something so dumb will happen and I'll fly off the handle. And I suppose it's because I've been storing all my ammunition because none of the bad feelings have never really gone away. How do I let go of something that is completely unresolved? As I am not hoping for that thing, that one insanely stupid wrong thing, to happen, I am trying not to get too comfortable here.

I am not ONLY an HR manager, people.

Unfortunately, at this point in my life, I am nothing more than simply "the HR manager." I am no longer "the cheerleading coach," "the business major," "the good friend from grade school/high school/college/grad school/old job/etc," "st greg's volunteer," none of it. I used to truly pride myself in the sum of activities and experiences, past and present, that make me who I am. My job was just that- only a job. Now it's an identity. Of course when I'm with my ONLY friend down here, we met through work. So I am always introduced as, "the HR manager at ________." UGH. Then I can't have cocktails. I can't be stupid. Because now I represent my job. We just moved here, are trying to make a good name for ourselves. So I restrain.

And the people I spend every day with at work... well, as cool as a few of them are, we won't hang out after business hours, because how do I issue a warning to my friend? how do I lay off a friend? how do I give a friend a negative performance appraisal or any reprimand at all? how do I administer positive feedback without everyone else thinking my "friend" is favored?

I miss the old "me." I miss knowing people almost everywhere I go. I miss having a social event multiple times a week. I miss the familiar and friendly smiles.

But there's no escaping it. I can't leave. So I have to try and make friends. It's so friggin awkward considering I have had a peek into "southern hospitality," courtesy of a fellow Yankee, from Spotswood, that has lived here for quite some time. Southern Hospitality can be genuine, but keep in mind that it will many times be a facade. Nice to your face, all smiles, but they really don't like you, and will talk about you behind your back. I'm used to the harsh bluntness of the northeast. You get a dirty look, someone will brush you off, but- who cares? Chances are you may never see that person again- the population is so large, it's easy to get lost in a crowd. Not to mention we're in the "Bible Belt." I'm "shacking up" with my boyfriend. I'm a "sinner." This being allowed in NJ? "Ridiculous Liberal Yankees." I heard it on the radio. Not a gospel station- the top 40 pop station. UGH.

I was in a meeting yesterday- a committee for the non-profit that I sit on the board for. There's a girl there I just met- she has 2 kids. I'm thinking..... she seems really cool. I could totally claim her as my friend. She probably has more friends that are fun and cool like she is..... then of course she spits out that she's from Philly. Of course. Again starts to reinforce that I don't know if I can make friends with people indigenous to this area.

So I am going to get out and meet people regardless of how uncomfortable I am. I won't talk about work or what I do if I can get away with it, and enjoy a fucking cocktail and speak obscenely if I choose.

back to real life...

I feel like I am just now getting back to some kind of normalcy after being on vacation!!

1. salsa tonight
2. "starting over" with the first day of round 2
3. having friends over tomorrow
4. being home today
5. parents coming home soon!